Chapter One
“You’re under no obligation to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago.” - Alan Watts
We sat on old lawn chairs in the garage and drank moonshine mixed with diet ginger ale, as my 76 year old friend, Arnold, leaned over and told me a story.
He was up north on a hunting trip with some guys and at night they’d hang out at the bar in town. One night, one of them started complaining about a toothache. Arnold said “Agh! Quit your whinin’ — if I had a tooth buggin’ me, I’d pull it out right here.”
Someone said “You wouldn’t do that”, and they started taking bets— putting money on the table; the bartender comes over, and she puts money into the pile too.
Arnold took a pair of pliers out of his pocket, put them into the back of his mouth, wiggled them back and forth, and pulled out a bloody tooth.
He laughed hard, after he told me that story. He didn’t laugh in a “I’m just kidding” kind of way; It was more of a giddy “I’ve-got-quite-the-set-of-balls-eh-sonny?” kind of a laugh.
His son, Joe told me “Dad doesn’t like going to the dentist. If he has a tooth bothering him, he grinds a piece of copper wire so it’s real sharp, heats it’s up with the blow torch, to sterilize it, and works the wire around his tooth until it comes out.”
That’s hard core.
When he finally went to the dentist for a cleaning, he convinced the lady at the desk to cut the bill in half; “Why should I pay full price if I’m missing half my teeth?”
Arnold was a man not tied down to convention; willing to challenge the status quo to get what he wanted. He passed away last year, but his legacy will live on.
How could it not, with stories like that?
*
Arnold owned an old dog named Sparky; an English Springer Spaniel with his own treat-bucket in the back of the garage. Whenever I dropped by, I had to give Sparky a treat. If I forgot, he would stand there looking at me like a judgemental boss staring at a lazy employee.
“Ya gotta give him his treat”, Arnold would remind me.
Even though Sparky was never on a leash, he didn’t run to the road. He’d enthusiastically run halfway down the driveway, and stop — jump up and down and bark at whoever passed by.
“He used to have one of those shock collars”, Arnold told me. “I took it off ages ago, but he thinks he’s still wearing it.”
Sparky lived with a sense of entitlement for his treats, and fear of a shock collar he wasn’t even wearing.
If Sparky were a man, Arnold would have had said “Ah, forget your whining — shock collar or not, if I wanted to walk down the driveway, I’d do it right now.”
*
Old guy’s like Arnold are a reminder for younger people to live more honestly; if you have something bugging you, deal with it.
We all have our own tooth aches, treat buckets, driveways, and fears of getting shocked, don’t we?
Familiarity, and fear of stepping out keeps people in their shitty jobs. It keeps entrepreneurs fixated on their business goals at the expense of their families. It keeps artists from sharing their art, and daydreamers from turning their ideas into reality. It keeps stay-at-home moms from making new friends, and tough men from having meaningful relationships.
And why would we risk it? As Bilbo Baggins said “It’s dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door.” You try something new, and you might be swept away by unemployment and bankruptcy — then your wife will leave and your kids won’t love you anymore and the house will be repo’d.
Nobody wants to be a homeless hobbit.
*
But you won’t become homeless — you’re responsible. You must be, only responsible people read books. Very responsible people feel a twinge of guilt for not finishing a book; even if it’s boring and repetitive, they read the entire book out of a sense of accomplishment and duty.
… even if it’s boring and repetitive, they read the entire book out of a sense of accomplishment and duty.
Responsible people are good at getting jobs and keeping them. They’re good at saving money while also building a healthy credit score. They invest in relationships not only for what they can get, but for what they can give. They finish projects they start, and and they finish the food on their plate. Responsible people show up on time and keep their promise. As parents, responsible people tell their kids to be more responsible (it’s the responsible thing to do.)
Responsibility is the admirable curse of adulthood.
It’s admirable, because it requires decisive action, and can produce valuable outcomes. It’s a curse because it keeps us from pursuing a better way.
When I was a teenager, I wanted to pursue a career in photography. My mom, although supportive of my dreams, wanted me to apprentice as a carpenter with my dad — just in case the arts didn’t work out.
My friend, Tony was a rare breed: a full-time artist making a living doing what he loved. He was 20 years older than me, and had become a close friend and mentor in both my artistic pursuits and my life. I think my mom was torn between knowing Tony was a good influence in my life, and the depressing fact he wouldn’t play the role of special agent for her.
One afternoon, Tony leaned against the door jamb and listened to my mom’s attempt to convince him to convince me of the dangers of life as an artist while I stood there, awkwardly.
In her most responsible mom voice, she said “I just think it’s a good idea for him to have a back-up plan, in case photography doesn’t work out, ya know?”
Tony has always enjoyed flipping people’s ideas of reality upside down — and he’s skilled at it. “Maybe”, he said, “or maybe having no backup plan means he’ll work hard enough at photography to make it happen.”
Speaking of backup plans, my mom should have organized one for herself — because this one had backfired. After that conversation, her poor son was now destined to the turbulent life of a starving artist. This short conversation stuck with me over the winding path I took towards a career in photography, and eventually into the wider world of video and digital content creation. It continues to stick with me as I keep my head up, looking around for new and exciting things to pursue.
Backup plans have their place, but a 4 year apprenticeship in a trade you’re not interested in — followed by years of work in that trade?
That’s not a backup plan, that’s accepting defeat.
*
But life is unpredictable, and has very real consequences. So, what do we do with all of the shakiness — the unpredictability, and our tendency to become addicted to our sense of security?
What do we do if we want to see a change, but we don’t know how to begin?
To start, we can soak up this quote from Alan Watts:
“You’re under no obligation to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago.”