Bezos gaining on Santa Claus. Who will win?
Red vs Blue. Who will take the throne?
In an unprecedented event, Jeff Bezos, billionaire founder of Amazon, has decided to run against Santa Claus in attempt to become the new Jolly Old Fellow.
”Now that I’m twice as rich as the second richest man in the world, it’s time to give back to America.”
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Polls indicate that Santa Claus has strong support from America’s older demographic — particularly Generation X, and Baby Boomers.
42 year old Stacy’s eyes welled up with tears as she said “I remember when I was a little girl and Santa gave me a Pretty Princess doll. It came with a hairbrush and pink shoes. I played with that doll for years.”
Despite the nostalgia from some, most Generation Z and Millennial Americans complain that Santa Claus is no longer relevant.
14 year old Jake, a Bezos supporter, told us “Santa is cool and everything, but I hate how you have to wait until Christmas to get what you want.”
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Pre-election polls are looking very bleak for Santa Claus. While most Americans seem to appreciate Santa as an icon of altruistic joy and giving — a suiting mascot for Coca-Cola— many say they wish he was in better physical shape to fit the modern American ideal.
In response to the complaints about his flabbiness, Santa has signed a sponsorship contract with Under Armour, agreeing to wear their products during this years mall visits — but it may be too little too late.
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Bezos launches Santazon: ‘Christmas day, every day’.
With Santazon, members will have their gifts within 7 hours of wishing for them. With automatic approval credit card options, people who can’t afford to buy gifts for themselves can get them anyway.
Only days following the launch of Santazon, Amazon stocks have skyrocketed, and young children are flocking via their parents mobile devices to make wishes.
An elderly woman who lives with Santa Claus told us the “Christmas letters this year are so few that I fear we may need to lay-off some elves. We just can’t compete.”
Cole Bennett is a reporter for Orillia Chatters